Minnesota Vikings fans are some of the fattest fans in all of sports. Spend five minutes prowling the corridors of the Mall of America Whatever Dome and you will bear witness to three hundred pounders jostling with four hundred pounders, and their two hundred pound wives. It is really quite something.
So it's no surprise that the predominant odor wafting through the stadiums’ halls is butter* and that the food offerings during the game range from giant burgers to super giant bratwurst, and food that uses the word “colossal” in an un-ironic manner.
Metal buckets of popcorn proliferated, fans were implored through all kinds of gimmicks to eat dangerous foods, and the fried onions and peppers that smothered the cheese steaks were merely confetti on the parade of cholesterol.
How unimportant were healthy food alternatives in the domed stadium? Well, burgers were sold unadorned, save for cheese. Yet lettuce and tomato trapped in cellophane packaging sat stacked behind the counter and available only upon request; clearly the food services company knows its audience.
I deem Vikings fans are only some of the fattest because the Vikings opponents on this day, the Chicago Bears, in some perverse bragging rights universe, brought along The Fattest Fans in Sports. From the naked eye, they appeared to be 30% larger than Vikings supporters, with quadruple chins stretching ruddy complexions beyond comfortable sizes. And that was just the children.
Throughout the game the concessions were buzzing. From the corndogs sold just outside the entry gates to the pork barbecue platters to all sorts of midwestern microbrews, food was consumed at an alarming rate. The sound of gnashing teeth was an unsettling one, to be sure.
But at least the Vikings prevailed 36-10. And everyone went home happy and woefully overfed. Otherwise, I would be forced to make a Biggest Loser joke and, let’s face it, I don’t feel like tangling with am angry behemoth if I can at all avoid it.
*Editor's Note: since the Metrodome is all enclosed, all cooking smells linger, one of the reasons they actually have a limited number of stands selling fried foods.